We accept the love we think we deserve [revisited]

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As a new form of procrastination (I'm normally the one to bake!) from updating my blog about my travelling adventures (I promise they're coming, they're just being loosely drafted on paper first - old school) and the fact I've now linked all of my accounts up with TimeHop, my attention has been drawn to one of my first 'proper' blogs that was set up during my last relationship. I've been reading through, some of the posts are completely irrelevant to today however some are so interesting to me because they provide an insight into how I used to be - before travel and before I obtained this inner peace with myself (work in progress). I came across a blog that was supposed to be uploaded on the 30th January 2013 but, for whatever reason, never got published. I'd just got out of a difficult relationship, it was only short but left me in tatters that devastated my own well-being and started to destroy my relationship with others. Since then I've remained single [out of choice and I don't regret it at all], got my head out of the ground, overcome a hell of a lot, went travelling, became this new and improved me, and now I'm back in England I have these new strengths that I didn't feel were possible. It feels a little bizarre going back in time but... I enjoyed it. 

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

"As a new single girl about town I’ve started questioning aspects of my previous relationships. Not just with boys though, but with my friends and family, and with myself. It’s here that I sit with pen to paper, a deliciously simple parsnip and carrot soup bubbling away on the hob, and a cup of tea to the left (wishing it was a large glass of vino), listening to the wind howling outside. I’m left a little puzzled. One recurring question keeps popping up in my head – “why didn’t I do anything about it?”

Time after time after time I’ve just sat there, brushing it off, ignoring the raw emotion drilling through my body. Since starting to read The Buddha Walks into a Bar by Lodro Rinzler I’ve started assessing my moods, my emotions, the way that I’m feeling. He talks of the ‘Incredible Hulk Syndrome’, the accumulation stress built up from whatever state of mind – or klesha – that you’re in. This may manifest from a single state such as anxiety, or it may be an event that causes multiple kleshas, either way this describes a highly destructive emotional wellbeing; the root of samsaric existence.

It’s practically impossible to eradicate these feelings or kleshas from life. To do so you would be a walking zombie, emotionless, unhealthy. As humans we are supposed to feel – the good and the bad – but the way we react to these feelings can be helped. As you’ve probably gathered from previous posts, I’m a natural pessimist. I don’t like it and I do believe I’m improving and helping myself as I recognise problem areas in my life. I’ve been told that I see things in black and white, that I don’t see a middle ground. I’m either highly optimistic, or highly pessimistic, “you just can’t be ‘normal’”. Whilst I admit that in some ways this is true (given how I’ve felt this past year), I can now see myself in a new light – a new way. I don’t know whether this is because I’ve been reading into Buddhism a lot, where I’ve been acknowledging my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, but not necessarily letting them impact my life, or whether I’ve just entered a new phase of my existence.

It’s said that we should surround ourselves with positive people, but what happens when it is the relationship you’re in that’s contributing to your negativity? The friend that pushes their troubles onto you without any thought of what it may be doing to you (I’ve done it myself, ashamedly) – whilst you can be the friend and help them deal with the problems, don’t let their negativity drag you down too. What about the boyfriend or girlfriend who won’t pull their weight around the house – cooking, cleaning, all down to you? Or the one that makes little snipey remarks that, whilst you brush them over, end up ticking away in the back of your head. Or where his or her actions make you feel unattractive, non-deserving of their love, inadequate, or – dare I say it – second-best to a bit of technology (we’ve all been there!)? Guess what? You deserve more. It’s difficult to identify when you’re so caught up in the highs, the love and affection that you may get. Love is, after all, blind. They say that whilst you may forget what someone says or what someone does, you never forget how they made you feel.

So, where does this leave you and I? It’s up to you. It’s your decision at the end of the day. I know deep down that I’m in a far better place than I was last year, or the year before, or even the year before that because I’m slowly becoming at peace with myself. We’re all fighting the same battle, fighting for the love and affection of others, but when will we start to give ourselves the love that we deserve? Follow your hearts, don’t let others bring you down, and don’t stay with anyone who doesn’t make you happy because you’re only fooling yourself. If you’re only loved when you’re at your best and feel neglected when you’re at your worst, something needs to change."

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